My second attempt at this

9:19am: dang. i haven't been on her in like forever hahaha AND i happened to take a glance at some of my past entries. wow. i was dumb. fyi im no longer with that person. ha that's good right? wasted a year of my life. boooo oh well. anyways. umm yea =]

10:26pm: It's the way..
...you look while your sleeping.
...you look when your fresh out of the shower
...you rub my back and make me fall asleep
...you play your drums so beautifully
...you gently kiss my neck
...you fall asleep in your car waiting for me to get out of work
...you hold me as we fall asleep together
...you wake me up with your kisses and cuddles
...you make me feel like im the most important person in the world
...you make me happy
...you put up with all my problems
...you know what i like
...you know the little things about me that no one cares to know
...you suprise me with something new everytime
...you listen to me talk away when everything i say never really means anything
...you make me feel when i think about you
...you make me feel when i dont talk to you everyday

...i cant seem to stay mad at your for more than 5 minutes
...i know i cant go a week without seeing you

...you make me cry when i know i shouldnt be
...i feel about you
...i think im falling for you
...it's just the way

10:07pm: the clearance pack
AH!!! so today at work there were these three ladies, two little boys and two girls. they were in the store for like hours!! i swear they tried on like every damn thing in the clearance section. they were in the fitting room for about a good hour and a half just tryin on clothes. that sucked so much because i had to put back everything they didnt want. blah. then they left and it was all better. hahha

4:50pm: im home.
it's to much. the whole situation is just to much on me. i go through alot i put up with alot with her. for her. im getting in to deep and it just sucks. i packed up my stuff and came back home. im home for now. im going to try and not talk to her for awhile maybe for a long while i dont know how long thats going to last though. today was the a great day it really was until i was reminded of one thing that's keeping us from being in an "official" relationship and well i guess what this old guy said to us while we were out eating today got me thinking. we were both sitting there just talking and i dont know what it was what this old man seen but he walked up to us and just said "are you two in love?" it shocked us both for an older man to just walk up and say that. that's got to mean something doesnt that?

7:43am: oct 1
hopefully by then i'll be moving out of my house :) im kinda excited but scared at the same time. it's like taking a big step in my life you know? whats even a bigger step is the person im moving out with. Im not to sure how its going to turn out. let's just hope for the best. i really want to do it but then again im young and i know this is going to sound selfish but i dont want to move in with someone right away and be "stuck" with them for a long while. i want to be free and be able to see other people. explore my options... you know? with this move though i probably wont be able to do that....

12:22am: jealousy
jealousy's a bitch.

10:47am: done?
so after that big arguement we had of her saying she's done and we're not to see each other anymore, talk, text etc... i get home from work at 11 that night go to sleep and wake up at 8 from a text from her. she's texting me all morning and pretty much calling me all morning. I was confused but i wasnt complaing that we were talkin again. We talked alot and well i guess things are ok now? well ok in the sense that we're around each other again. i'd saying "seeing" each other but i'll just go ahead and say around each other. just due to the fact that "seeing" would imply that we have somewhat of a "relationship" when we dont. and well i've just got home about 30 minutes ago. i've been with her since wednesday. it was great. :)

2:22am: heh
so i forgot that i was suppose to post a pic of my "improved" ab's after that 2 weeks is up. well it does look better. I just havent gotten around to takin that pic. so hmmm.... expect it in a couple days. ha

12:17am: done.
were her words in the text's she sent me.

"hey.... U kno wat? i cant do it anymore. i jus cant take another 1 of u pickin me up an droppin me. like u do. im jus done. allright? done."

i texted her back saying me and her were better than these bitch texts and if we could talk at least over the phone. of course she's suddenly "busy"

"yea... i guess i can see wat i can do. wat we gonna talk bout, anyway? wat could u have to say?"

i said yea i know i use to like drop her alot of whatever it is she says BUT see i've tried to change that part of me just for her and she said this:

"yea.. im not gonna giv u no credit. u come bak yea..yay. but ya shouldnt of left in the first place. no. im jus over it. all of it im done."

so i guess it's "over" i guess it cant really be over or anything since we weren't even in a relationship huh? it still sucks alot. She KNOWS i feel for her alot she KNOWS and i think she uses that against me to hurt me. To make it worse she has some of my stuff. i told her id drive over and get it then leave right away. of course she said "i dont want you here" i told her if she really wants to end it and cut off all our connections then i need my stuff back and it'll all be over. she said she still didnt want me going over there and getting it. instead she said she'd drive over here and give it to me. i really dont want her to drive for 30 to just drop off my things and turn around and leave. this whole situation is a big mess and i wanna cry. :-/

1:11pm: My brother...
got jumped by three guys in the park the other day and i had no clue about it :( i only found out because i was with my "friend" last night and we were talkin and she said something like "so what happened with your brother and him getting jumped?" i was shocked and had no clue what she was saying. apparently he posted something about it in a bulletin on myspace. i was still shocked. i got home a few hours ago and asked him about it. he said he didnt want to talk about it. i got it out of him anyway. well some of it.... heres what i got from him. some girl was talking to him and he said something back and apparently she got all bitchy. Told him to met her at some park so my brother did. My brother is one of the nicest guys he's quiet and NEVER disrespects any female. when he got to the park there was three guys waiting for him there and i guess they attacked him. im not really sure what else happened. im sitting here at home waiting for him to get back so he can finish telling me. My brother's barely in 10th grade and some girl's already getting guys after him. im mad and feel horrible all at the same time. i dont know what to do. :(

1:22pm: I
want to be able to hold someones hand and know that that persons mine and all mine. i want to be able to fall asleep in their arms. i think im ready for a relationship. No more messing around.

1:40pm: i think
im slowly getting over it. I seen her yesterday. It was great seeing her again after like a week of not seeing her but for some reason it didnt feel like it was the same. Hmmmm... and well maybe what else happened yesterday made it feel "weird" eh... i dont have to much time to explain right now. so i'll explain some other time. maybe later on tonight when i'll be home.

12:47pm: the "friend"
so she came over the other day. i even missed work so i could spend the day with her. Her, me and two other friends ended up going to the mall and a few other places. supposedly the whole time we were out i was acting like a bitch. While we were there i seen some other friends i knew. I ended up stopping and talking to jessica because i havent talked or seen her in awhile. for whatever reason the "friend" got mad or whatever i guess. she even looked pissed when i got back i asked her if she was mad and of course she said no, but for the rest of the day she was ignoring me and paying more attention to everyone else that was with us and becuase of that i got mad. so yea it was just one big mad ball of mess between us. theres more to the mall issue but i'll tell that at a later time. so after we dropped everyone off. and we ended up driving back to her place. which is a 30 minute drive. i asked her if she was mad she said no, but i guess she had one of her angry mad breakthroughs. said you do know i take you around more than i do my "______" i was stupid and said no. that made her even more mad. down to the point. she said after that night there was going to be no more. she wasnt going to do it anymore. its to much on her car and she's just confused about everything. we ended up going back to her house. i was bummed cuz i actually feel something for this girl. for her to say something like that it just hurt me. so we were both pretty much quiet. i started to cry cuz i was emotional that night. we got over it and well made up i guess. didnt go to sleep until 4 in the morning. work up around 11 and i had to be at work at 2:30. We got up and things were all right. she dropped me off at work close to 2:30. we kissed and said bye. i was a bit confused as to her break through the other night. so i texted her and asked if she was still serious about her not coming around anymore. she said she didnt know she's have to think about it. i guess thats better than a no right? In a way i want to know her answer like right now but then again im afraid to hear her answer. I dont know what it is about her but i think i really do like her. :-/

11:35pm: You can....
make me:
happy
sad
angry
fustrated
jealous
crazy
nervous
confused
and so many other feelings i cant seem to think of right now.

and i guess it's all my fault becuase im the one that doesnt completely cut you out of my life. I wish i could but i can't and you seem to use that to your advantage.

11:20pm: "friend"
so i think she's getting back with her ex gf soon. blah. i care but then again i dont because it doesnt really matter...

12:24am: home. rent. and the "friend." .second entry.
so i eventually i'd come home that night and "talk" about it. at first she wanted to stick me in a room with her, grandma and my stepdad. i told her no that'd be just to hard. it was hard enough just telling her let alone she wants me in a room with my grandma and the person that caused this all. we got off the phone i told my friend what happened so she said she'd drop me off and wait for me while i talked so i could leave after and go back to her place. i got home first thing my mom says "go in grandma's room" i went. turns out she listened to me and it was only me and my grandma. i was there for about 20-30 minutes. She didnt believe me. i cried. alot. my grandma sat there and listened to me talk she pretty much stayed quiet but having her there was comforting. the one thing that stuck in my head that mom said went something like this "what do you want me to do? im pregnant with this baby. what do you expect me to do?" i told her i didnt care what she did. i said i just had to tell her. i dont know why but i just had to tell her. she just said "why." she left the room and told me to stay a bit and talked to my grandma. once my mom left that room i just started crying real hard. my grandma held on to me and told me not to cry. one thing she said is not to worry or anything my mom's probably in shock. I dont blame her what i said was something big and well yea. I talked to my grandma a little more. Then i said i'd be back in a few days. I left my house after that.

12:36am: home. rent. and the "friend" .first entry.
Home life took a turn for the worse. wait. not for the worst but its changed. Letting out one secret changes everything. so a week or two ago something happened and well i was pissed/angry and just damn confused. I didnt know what to do. I really wanted to tell someone why i really dislike someone in my "family." I've held it in for way to long. i told a friend and she was just like "wow." asking me all kinds of questions like when it happened. how long did it happen. why did i let it happen. she really cared. she stayed on the phone with me while i cried. i felt so stupid for not being able to say anything due to me crying. i eventually calmed down and she told me i had to do something about it. I decided i had to tell my mom about it. I had no idea how things would turn out or even if i'd stick to it and tell her. Saying something like this, coming out with this secret its so hard. It's just a really hard thing to say and me being me i wrote a letter. I, at times have a hard time with "expressing" my feelings and emotions so a letter was the best i could do at the time. Of course my mom ignored it and said she didnt read it. I left the house and stayed with the "friend" that listened to me cry on the phone. She told me i had a place to stay at her house. So i packed up a few things and went to her house. Later that night around 11 my mom called saying i needed to get home right now. I said i couldnt do that. I needed to get out for awhile. She said she didnt believe a word i wrote or anything i had to say over the phone to her. That hurt so much to hear she didnt believe me or that she didn't want to believe me. I cried while i was on the phone with my mom. i was tryin to explain things. she wouldnt hear any of it. she just kept saying "come home right now." we talked some more. eventually we came to terms that i would come home and at least "talk" about it...

im going to bed now. i'll finish this up later.

11:55pm: Give me 2 weeks
my goal. to get my nice tummy back. ha by that i mean to get it back in shape like definition wise. my stomach use to be super nice with cute little abs and all BUT i got lazy and really havent worked on it at all. blah. so in two weeks from now i plan on having it back to being completely flat and defined. not hardcore but pretty much on its way. so yea. i'll post a pic in two weeks :)

12:06pm: Neurologist
I waited about 1 hour and 30-45 minutes to see my neurologist (doctor who works with nerves and the nervous system) and when i did finally see him it was for like not even 5 minutes. haha that sucked. He just asked me like three questions then said "alright just wait in the waiting room and we'll refill your prescription for you." Yes i do have a slight problem if any of you guys are wondering. It's nothing big but i am on medication.

10:05am: Your black?!
ha so i was at a friends house the other night and my friends friend viri was amazed when she learned i didnt speak spanish. So.. i had to tell her that i wasn't mexican but i am native american. She was like "oh" then paused then had this deep look on her face then happened to blurt out "Your black?!?!" i laugh and im like what? she's like "native american right? that means your black." i laugh my other friend yalli's like "your a dumb ass she's not black" viri's then "OH!! that's african american! hahahahaha.." hmmm so yea remember kiddies native american does not mean i am african american. heh

10:49pm: Work...
so while im working im suppose to be nice, polite and greet all the customers that are within 10 feet of me. which at first was weird for me since i can be a little shy i eventually got somewhat comfortable greeting them with a "hello" well for the most part. i got a smile and a hi back, but then again sometimes i get completely ignored. haha that sucks. next time your in a department store and a worker greets you please be nice and greet them back it makes our day better. ha anyways so i guess i've been getting use to saying hi to people becuase the other night i was walmart with my mom and i was standing in the aisle waiting for my mom when this old lady was near me. she was busy looking for something and i had the strong urge to say hello and smile to her. haha i was just about to when i remembered where i was at and that i was no longer at work. It probably still would have been a nice thing to do but i most likely would have gotten a weird look. heh just had to share that. well i found it slightly funny :P

10:14pm: Giving it one more shot
Heh so it takes alot for most of us to actually keep any sort of journal going. wait. i mean keeping it up to date. Or for all i know im the only one that struggles to keep my so-called journals up to date and full of the oh so fun experiences of my life. hahaha anyways lets just see how long i last with this one or how often i decide to leave an entry. hopefully i wont forget about this one and just leave it here on the web to collect "dust."